nat’s diaries #1: reminisce ♡
dearest friend,
Today had been an amazing day. Wanna know a secret? It’s only 8 AM!
I was drinking my coffee and starting to pray when I had such a BURST of inspiration that I couldn’t help but pull my laptop from my cat backpack, and boot it up to start fleshing out all this creative energy running through my veins!
See, unlike in The Sims, I can’t just go take a “thoughtful shower” or “analyze a painting” hanging up on the wall in my house in order to be super * ~inspired~* to do something with all the thoughts in my mind. I’m kinda up-and-down with it: there are times where I’ll just have SO much to say and SO much to share, that I feel like all I’m doing is writing! And then, I’ll have my “dormant” seasons, so to speak, where I’ll have zero inspo to share what’s on my heart and, essentially, won’t be creative for MONTHS on end.
So, I’m trying to change that. And I’m doing so by introducing to you this new series I’m going to write and share: Nat’s Diaries.♡
In today’s very first edition, I just want to tell of a little flashback that brings me nothing but warmth. It’s about a very simple, very short story I wrote back in high school. This story was titled SHE, and was all about how a girl (me, but like, not me if you understand the writing process, lol) was able to get inspiration to write. I haven’t gone back to reread it in such a long time, and it didn’t even do very well in analytics either, haha! But, even so, I just remember vivid details and descriptions and imagery about rain and the contrast of being so cold on the outside yet on FIRE on the inside because of all the imaginative words and WORLDS and everything stirring within me!
It’s just so cool now, because although I can’t automatically be inspired like my dream self in The Sims is, I’m honestly really grateful for it; this is because I understand that my own inspiration process isn’t something that is “stable” per sé, because it really doesn’t rely on my own cognition or thought-processes. I’ve come to realize that it is purely related to my relationship with God, and where I stand with Him.
And honestly? This was probably the most CRUCIAL highlight of my entire YEAR. Okay, lemme throw this scenario at you:
* * * * * *
The house is quiet, not a single footstep, hushed whisper, or any stir to be heard.
A lone girl slumps over her lopsided desk in her attic haven of a bedroom.
The sun is out, streaming through the four windows in the room; in and out as the clouds come and go, concealing and revealing the big star in all it’s brightness as the seconds tick by.
Tick…
tick…
tick…
The girl sits, all alone, her thoughts swelling and rising and bursting, right before she can make sense of any of them.
She isn’t sure if anyone is downstairs, but that doesn’t stop her from doing what she does next.
She stands up, not very gracefully, stumbling over to the carpet (reflecting her not-too-great mental state) and just does it: she cries out to her heavenly Father, screaming how sorrowful she is, how deeply lonely she is, how absolutely awful she feels for pushing Him away.
She yells for hours on end, tears streaming down her face as she tells Him everything in the past however-many-months that she’s kept hidden for far too long. The burdens of her heart are lifted, one-by-one, and an invisible weight that’s been shielding her soul is pulled away, never to be thought of again.
In between the weeping, the screaming, & the yelling, she is writing. Lists, memoirs, ideas, journal entires — anything and everything imaginable, she pens down as soon as the thoughts arrive. She fills almost twenty diary pages, and is reminded — gently, gently —how this is home. This is where she is meant to be, because this is truly where her identity is found.
From then on, the girl has off days; days where she doesn’t let Him in, and days where she breaks down entirely for not doing so.
As time goes on, however — slowly, eventually — she has a routine, a daily schedule before the sun rises, for the Son. She comes to realize that her being her truest self is when she spends time with her Lord, Savior, and King. That her heart is most fulfilled, most satisfied, and most content, when she locks eyes with the one Who loves her the most — so much so, that He died to save her.
This reminder is the one that keeps her going. The one that encourages her to choose good over evil. The one that whispers to her the secrets of His heart that she didn’t yet know until such a time as this. The one who renews and restores her, each and every day. And the one who reminds her that she is not her own — that she is a daughter of the one true King, for now, and forevermore.
That reminder is the only thing she needs for the rest of her days. And truly, that is the most amazing thing.
* * * * * *
I write all this, not to just tell you a random story about some girl. And it’s not some fictional story with a made-up character. I share this story because the girl I described to you was me. Struggling with my identity was something that consumed every waking thought of mine for months on end. When I was at my lowest was when I was at my furthest from Christ.
That is why I am so beyond excited to finally share that I FINALLY GET IT! That I understand who I am, not only as a female, not only as Natalie Michelle, not only as a daughter, sister, blogger, introvert, and more; but as someone who has been redeemed. Someone who has been saved and protected and cherished and admonished and forgiven, time and time again.
I share all this, not to inspire you, and not to make your imagination a few times bigger; I’m telling you this in hopes that it will encourage you to pursue your Savior, just as He pursues you.
I’ll leave you with this:
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.”
Thank you for reading! I pray this was as uplifting for you to read as it was for me to write.
much love and more,
