being vulnerable is really hard: a life lesson with Natalie
~ originally written on january 9, 2019 ~
dear friend,
Major sigh. This week has been so tough for me if I’m being honest.
It’s so easy to pretend everything is okay, especially in our social-media driven day-and-age where everything has to look perfect — even, and especially when, it just isn’t.
I met with a friend for coffee earlier this week and we had an amazing conversation about this exact thing. She talked about she had hung out with one of her friends one time, and the only thing said friend was doing was staring at the screen of her phone, barely even paying attention to anything my friend was saying.
“Later on,” she continued, “I saw a post she had uploaded saying how great of a time she had. Which confused me because the whole time I was there, it was spent trying to get the ‘perfect’ photo instead of just having fun and making a memory that lasted a lifetime.”
I feel like this isn’t an uncommon thing and, as my friend and I further concluded later in that same conversation, everything needs to have balance.
Anyways, that’s a whole other blog post in and of itself. For now, I want to talk about how hard it is for me to write these things I write and how much it matters to me if someone does or doesn’t read them.
Earlier this week, I finally posted my first blog post. And then, after that, I posted about it on my Instagram, desperately hoping that someone — anyone — would read it and encourage me further along on my writing journey. However, as the minutes, hours, and days passed, my post became meaningless and I continually felt more and more discouraged, as none of my friends, followers, or family even so much as uttered a word about my writing, my personal life source (metaphorically speaking, of course).
I started to hate myself more and more, talking myself down and wondering why I even tried to be vulnerable, inspirational, and carefree as I posted my most personal thoughts to the world wide web. Several times I considered taking the post down, tearing my journal full of thoughts to shreds, unsubscribing from my host site membership, and never trying to blog again.
I know, I know, I’m very overdramatic. However, think about it this way: my younger sister draws, right? And for her, it’s easy to share her work. All people have to do is tap on her account (maybe take a few more seconds if they have to search for it) and BAM, all her life’s work, all her improvement and growth is right there, out in the open and super easy to view and like. However, when it comes to something I write, people have to take more than a few minutes out of their time and day if they want to see what I’ve written. They have to click a link, search through posts, find one they like and then READ all of it. Then, if they want to read more from me in the future, they have to decide if they want to subscribe to an e-mail list; what a HASSLE, am I right?
Can you see my dilemma here?
If you couldn’t already tell, all of this went down in my head. For days, I prayed through angry tears, “Why God? What is the point of me writing allthis stuff for your glory if not even my own family members will take a few minutes of their time to read it?” I wrestled with selfish thoughts, trying hard to remain calm and not explode with the anger, bitterness, jealousy, and sadness that threatened to consume my every waking thought.
Then, on Thursday of last week, I just broke down completely. I asked my mom to pray for me, that I was battling through another fit of depression, and that I just needed her prayers to make it through with the last minuscule shred of hope that I had left. Of course, like the wonderful mother she is, she pressed me further and I broke down and let everything I’d been feeling for the past three days out. Tears poured from my eyes as I told her my concerns, as I wondered why I was doing this if God was the only one who knew about it.
She told me it was going to be okay, and that if God was the only one that knew my thoughts and intentions behind all of this, then He was still glorified in and through my life and my writing, even if He was the only one who knew what I wrote! She then told me that she had read my blog post and that she liked it, and that I shouldn’t lose hope over just one blog post.
Sigh. Y’all, I’ll admit it: I’m a MAJOR perfectionist. And when I don’t measure up to my own standards, things get tough, to say the least. They feel impossible, like the whole world is crashing in on me and nothing else matters in that moment in time except the pain and hurt and sorrow that I feel so very deep within me.
Jeremiah tells us otherwise in his self-titled book of the Bible, however, that emotions are not all there is and thus we cannot give into them in order to survive and thrive as Christians. He writes,
“ The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”
Just because I feel a certain way, that does NOT mean I need to give in to that feeling and let that thought consume my heart, mind, and soul, ultimately setting me up for failure with a negative mindset
Jeremiah continues on in verse ten, writing about what the Lord does with the heart and mind, saying,
“ I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
What I’m trying to say here is that the Lord will give us platforms and the Lord will take us off of pedestals if He so pleases. So, instead of getting in my head about such matters, wondering who is reading my writing, I’m going to pursue Christ — writing what He has laid on my heart to write, sharing what He has inspired me to share.
How about you, dear friend? Examine your own heart for a second. Is there something you are keeping safe and secure, locked away in the deep, inner parts of your soul that you’re afraid to share with the world? Things you fear criticism for from others — or, even worse: from yourself?
Be honest, dear friend. Let go and let God handle what He has already set out to do!
I pray this post has inspired you. Let me know in the comments below something you have recently had to let go of — whether it be a relationship, an opportunity, or anything else.
You’re not alone here, dear friend. As some wise people once sang, “We’re all in this together.” ♡
much love & more,
